Everyone talks about “Emotional Intelligence” these days, but it is something that we understand in our own heads, while we generally find it hard to step into the heads of others. The problem is that we don’t talk about our feelings enough at work, and without this window on our souls, an understanding of the emotional intelligence of others is hard to come by.

Many of us feel awkward discussing the softer sides of management, but in actual fact, they can be learned, practiced and acquired just as easily as some of the more tangible skills. Understanding emotional wisdom starts with the simple questions… Why did you do that? How did it make you feel?

How did you know that? Why did you react like that?

Emotional intelligence first requires an initial awareness of your emotions and of the emotions of those around you. Explaining to someone else what you notice in certain situations and why you think that people behave in certain ways would give them a valuable insight into your thought processes, but this seems too “fluffy” to be covered in MBA courses or management textbooks. Learning emotional awareness from a close colleague or sympathetic boss is the best way to experience it in context.

Secondly, you need to be able to manage and regulate your emotions to achieve the desired outcomes. For many, this is the tricky part, and the place where we often need the most outside guidance. However, this sort of guidance isn’t about delving into the emotions of others; it is about giving them an insight into how we feel. Leaving ourselves vulnerable about our emotional shortcomings is incredibly difficult to do, but if there is someone that you trust and who knows you well, these sorts of conversations can be some of the most productive. “I can’t believe that I reacted in that way” is often the conversation starter to some revealing home truths. Without an external influence to shake us out of our routine, we will simply continue with our emotional inadequacies in blissful ignorance.

When we care about someone (at work or in a social setting), we want them to be able to handle everything that life throws at them. Sometimes it is obvious that they are not coping for whatever reason, and sometimes it is necessary to bring up these softer conversations. They are not easy conversations to have, but if you are compassionate with people and if you allow them to be compassionate with you, it is amazing what you can learn.

Maybe in the future there will be some wearable device that will give us unique insights into what emotions drive people to say and do certain things. We will be able to learn from them like a sporting playbook and our interactions will run far smoother (some might say robotically). However, for the moment, happily no such thing exists and we are forced to do one of two things…. guess or ask.

In emotional intelligence terms, the inquisitive will rule the world.